The Eight Sentences:
Louella said, “Bye bye, now,” and lowered the receiver of her vintage 1963 telephone onto its cradle. She went into the kitchen and selected her favorite glass from the cabinet over the sink. One of these days, I’ll splurge and get a wine stem. This glass the Welch’s grape jelly came in is fine for now. She poured it half full of Bell’Agio Chianti, held it to her nose and looked back at the bottle. Hmm...vintage 2012. Oh well, two tears in a bucket.
By the time she was settled into her recliner, the glass was almost empty.
The Back Story:
In this scene from my third novel (a WIP, A Year Without Killing) Mrs. Johnson is back at home after a mugging and purse snatching. She's safe but upset. She was the recipient of the good deed from Claudia Barry, mentioned in THIS BLOG a few weeks ago.
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She certainly sounds bored. I love the jelly jar being used, but they are on the small side. I think the line about the amount of wine before she sat might be better if she was on her second serving. Good 8.
ReplyDeleteChelle has a good point about the second serving, though the excerpt is well-written. This is nice and succinct - says a lot about Louella in a very short space :)
ReplyDeleteYou sure can write atmosphere, Chip! I LOVE the reference to the grape jelly jar. We used them, and the tiny glasses the cream cheese spread came in, too. :-) The vintage phone, the glass, settling into a recliner, all contribute to great atmosphere and a sense of her age. Nicely done. :-)
ReplyDeleteAlthough I read a strong description of her drinking the wine, I did not get the "upset" vibes from it. What words could you use to show upset in her actions? Did she lower the phone or slam it? You mentioned she "went" to the kitchen and "selected" a glass. There are a lot of ways to go somewhere to show a mood, such as "trudged." Selected how? If she's upset, choose words that convey this. wwww.thesaurus.com is my best writing buddy for finding just the right word to show the feelings. I like the use of the jelly jar and the way you showed her downing the wine quickly. That is a message in itself. Well done.
ReplyDeletehttp://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/07/weekend-writing-warriors-blog-hop-071314.html
Great suggestion, Joyce.
DeleteI'll take your advice. Since this is a WIP, I've got plenty of time to change stuff like that.
For, me, "two tears" confirms my interest in Mrs. Johnson---she may be drinking wine of a questionable vintage out of a jelly glass, but she's aware enough to know how it looks and (maybe?) cynical enough not to care.
ReplyDeleteI like her.
Did you pick up on the "two tears" reference to The Lady Chablis?
DeleteI love that she's drinking wine from a glass that held *grape* jelly. Same fruit, different outcomes. And she sounds like a down-to-earth kind of person. (Apologies if this posts twice.)
ReplyDeleteWe make do with what we have. She sounds sad. Great snippet, Frank. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, poor little old lady...good job Chip.
ReplyDeleteThe detail about the glass and grape jelly is fabulous. Nice excerpt.
ReplyDelete"Two tears" went over my head, sorry, but the snippet itself was quite evocative and I definitely got that she was upset! Excellent 8!
ReplyDelete"Two tears" was a tip of the hat to Lady Chablis (Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil)
DeleteVery nice, overall. I agree with Joyce about making the sense of upset clearer at first pass. I love the detail about the antique phone & the jelly jar standing in for a wine glass.
ReplyDeleteIs she trying (by her standards) to get drunk?
ReplyDeleteNice details. They give me a sense of the woman. I got a touch of sadness, but not upset.
ReplyDeleteLove the detail of the phone, the wine, and the jelly. I can feel that she's upset. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWell done, Frank, very evocative! And, btw, I love Chianti!
ReplyDeleteThere is something really strong and romantic about wine, then, at the same time, she seems to have something annoying on her mind. They say wine drinkers are lonely. I wonder what the conversation was about.
ReplyDelete